Dear Grieving Father from Another

As a man who lost his son at 7 days of age almost 9 months ago, I guess the advice I would offer a newly grieving father is simply this -

Slow down!

You have had a serious shock to your system! You are hurt, injured! Like it or not, admit it or not!

Don’t try to make “moving on” happen, let time do its work, I think it is the only thing that will work.

You may not recognise the depth of your injury for several months. I didn’t. I thought like every other aspect of my life I would take the setback in my stride, embrace it, learn from it and bounce back twice as far.

Someone told me when I was young, “It does not matter that you fall, everyone falls, what matters is how you get up again!”.

I don’t remember who told me that but I have always lived by it. Get up, and get on with it. And in every other aspect of my life it has worked exceedingly well!… Except in accepting my son’s death.

Callum’s birth, 7 days of intense life and beautiful passing surrounded by the love and tears of two adoring parents was in some ways the best life anyone could hope for. He was so loved his entire life, he never experienced an insult, never hurt anyone in retaliation, never judged or told a lie. He never knew anything of the worst parts of our world.

He did however know love, feel the comfort of family, knew how to fight without fear, he knew the value of hard work (as the machines were slowly removed from ICU, as he “recovered”) and the rewards it brings (being held in the arms of loved ones).

Ultimately he learnt how to let go, peacefully and relaxed. I can only hope I will achieve what he achieved in his short life. Having him was an honour and an inspiration.

That said, I still have not fully accepted his death. Will I ever? I don’t know, but at least now I can see where I / we have been…

As the days of his life turned into the days after his life. Then into the weeks and months after his funeral, we (Julie and I) committed to just take advantage of every “grief coping mechanism, service or advice” we were given or could find. Whether we actually thought they would help us or not, we would just use/try them all… what can it hurt to try right?

I’m really glad we decided to do this early.

It started with our Funeral Director. A Saint in my book who specialised in baby funerals. A wealth of wisdom, he recommended many things that we now fondly look back on.

Like bringing Callum’s body home and showing him where he would have lived. Or like getting his big sister Rosemary to decorate his “forever bed” (coffin) with stickers and drawings in what was to be his bedroom. Making it a loving happy place and time.

We also read books on grief early (in first weeks after his death) – this was really important I think.

Just understanding that the surreal experience you are having is a natural and predictably unpredictable response. (We found “Coping with Grief” form the ABC shop very good)

Later we attended counselling services (SIDS and KIDS), first Julie and I with a counsellor, then in a group environment.

Of this I was particular sceptical, but the monthly routine of revisiting our wounds in detail actually helped a lot! Hearing how others with similar but different stories have had to face the same challenges as us is support in itself… organising the funeral, mourning, going back to work, facing everyone for those first conversations, your loss becoming old news, bumping into old acquaintances that have not heard and asking “so how’s the family?”. All of this we have all been through. You will too.

Aside from this, we both took time to grieve in our own ways. Be it tears hidden by sweat at the gym or sinking into despair each morning in the shower.

We had a memorial stone put in at Karrakatta cemetery – “The Butterfly Garden” a beautiful place to sit and reflect and remember.

We did what we each needed to do, let our feeling and emotions dictate how we grieved.

All in all – I think we followed 95% of the advice we were given and as such were “model grievers” to a certain extent.

But ultimately – did any of it really help? Really?

Here I am, some 8 months and 15 days after his passing (yes, I still count the days) and I’m trying to think what advice I would give to a father who is only one week in.

Look – I really don’t know!

Everything we did had some effect, and where we are today in our ongoing journey is certainly a better place than we were.

But really, deep deep down inside… I think the one thing that has really helped is time. It cannot be rushed.

Let time pass. Just sit it out. Let time do its work.

For what it’s worth, sincerely,

Christopher Hudson.