This is Amy’s Story

Amy and her husband Jerome were living in the UK, where his parents lived. Amy’s mother and other close family members and friends were in Australia. Their son, Marcus, became seriously ill and died at 14 weeks. Amy also had another son Leo who lived just 14 months. They are now divorced and she has a daughter from another relationship.

Amy and Jerome’s relationship had been loving and nurturing and they communicated openly. She had been at home with Marcus every day while Jerome was at work. Initially their sadness was shared, as they both felt lost and cried together. However, she soon fell apart as she became very needy and couldn’t cope with any external stresses. She also expressed her grief very differently from Jerome, grieving openly and becoming very depressed.

“I wanted to fall into my grief and let it take me along and heal naturally. I didn’t think it was something that could be rushed or minimised.”

Jerome tried to remain strong and to fix her grief. Amy had always been a person who took care of everyone and everything. Seeing her unable to cope was very disconcerting for Jerome, as she had always been the stronger partner.

They attended counselling together and Amy also went on her own to another counsellor. This helped them to express themselves and to work through some issues. However, arguments and friction arose as they both wanted to move in different directions, continuing to grieve differently

“Ultimately we were drifting. I wanted to focus on family and having another child while he preferred to have fun again and return to a simple existence. I felt there was no turning back.”

Their support structures were also different and this concerned Amy.

“My partner had his family to support him but mine was in a different country. I became resentful and hostile towards his family, as they couldn’t cope with my outward display of emotion. This was particularly true of his mother, who said she was ‘moving on’ after the funeral and couldn’t cope with my ongoing tears and devastation. Jerome found this difficult and it caused friction between us. We began to withdraw from each other, me into myself and he moving closer to his family.”

Eventually, they separated and Amy returned to Australia. They divorced and Jerome repartnered but has had no other children. Amy said they have remained friends.

“Although we divorced and live in different countries, we remain in close contact by written communication. Our relationship improved once I’d left and we could move forward in our lives separately. We are supportive of each other now, once again.”

Some of Amy’s relationships have grown stronger while others she has let slide. She is also now closer to her old friends in Australia, has reconciled with a sister and is in contact with her ex–sister-in-law. She has learnt much from this experience.

“I look back now and see that my marriage needed to end and it wasn’t only because of the death of our son. Our lives have gone in vastly different directions but we are still able to support each other from afar on those special dates. We never argued or fell out but had we stayed together it may have been a different story. He has not had any more children and is still heavily burdened and defined by our loss. I went on to have another son, now also deceased, who solved the genetic mystery. Then subsequently, finally, a healthy daughter. I never gave up the dream of motherhood and I’m proud and thankful for that determination and resilience. I’m also glad to be raising her here in Australia surrounded by my family. Life feels very much as it should be and my sons each have their pride of place within that life. I’m ever thankful for them and to them, for they have helped shape the woman I am today as everyone’s children do. I am happy.”

Amy is now a trained parent supporter and studying to be a counsellor. She believes that it is important to keep lines of communication open with the parent of your child and that the process of grief and one’s needs change. She offers this advice:

“Change is not necessarily a bad thing and relationships can get stronger through loss.”

“Be patient! Grief is a long and painful process, perhaps endless, but the way you deal with it and the way it affects your life and relationships change with time. Don’t rush anything and don’t make any major changes in the first eighteen months following the death of a child.”

“You may drift from your partner but don’t burn the bridge. They are likely to be the only other person who really cherishes and keeps alive the memories of your child the way you do and it’s invaluable to have someone to talk to about your child when you want or need to. Even if it’s just a text message on birthdays and anniversaries to say you are both thinking of the child, it helps.”

Reference: den Hartog, P.N., Bereaved Parents & SIDS and Kids NSW and Victoria (2014). When Relationships Hurt, Too: The Impact of Grief on Parents’ Relationships after the Sudden Death of their Child. , Malvern, Vic.: SIDS and Kids NSW and Victoria.