This is Danielle and Jake’s Story

Danielle and Jake already had one son, Alex, when Bennett was born prematurely and died soon after birth. They come from very different backgrounds – Danielle from a Mediterranean migrant family and Jake from an Anglo/Irish background. He was born in a small Australian country town. They now have another son, Dominic.

Even before their son’s death, Danielle and Jake had a high maintenance relationship and undergone couple counselling. Jake found fatherhood particularly difficult and to compound this situation, they came from very different families.

“We’re loud, and we let others know when we are upset while Jake’s family are more introverted, avoid conflict and don’t talk through issues.” (Danielle)

“Danielle is a talker, a screamer, whilst I come from a family which doesn’t talk through issues. We weren’t encouraged to talk about feelings at all.” (Jake)

People in Jake’s family, especially the men, talked about things such as sport and never about relationships, feelings or anything which could bring on conflict. They were taught to be stoic and undemonstrative.

“My dad was not a good role model. The only time he touched me was a pat on the shoulder after Bennett died.” (Jake)

Jake thought he was laid back and that nothing worried him, but realises now that he was very much out of contact with his emotions. Danielle’s family was demonstrative and there was always lots of yelling and arguments which Jake found difficult to cope with.

“I tended to want to escape the emotion but the more I withdrew, the more emotional Danielle would get. I became the conduit for her emotions.” (Jake)

Initially they were supportive and sensitive to each other’s grief but different issues emerged as they found it increasingly difficult to cope.

“Life was simpler than it is now. We could regroup and just focus on Alex and each other. Later on we lost this focus as our lives became busier and more complicated. We couldn’t cope with even the most minor day-to-day stuff and I just felt paralysed. The grief seemed to destroy our resilience. This put a lot of pressure on our relationship.” (Jake)

Jake retreated from friends and felt very much alone. They began to attend a support group together and Jake also went to a men’s group. Later they had counselling, both together and apart. Jake’s GP was very helpful and, for a while, saw him monthly.

“Three months after the death Jake was diagnosed with post- traumatic stress and went on anti-depressants. He realised that depression had been an underlying condition for some time.” (Danielle)

Gradually Jake found ways to express his grief:

“Go to a men’s group. To have a male perspective, to just be with other bereaved Dads helps; not to feel alone, having a couple of beers with mates, a time without grief. Let mates know how it is for you – even if they don’t respond, you have put the genie out of the bottle. Telling them is enough to make you feel better. Get a tattoo of your child; it helps to start the conversation.”

Jake has had to change as a person and relearn everything in the process of finding himself, particularly how to process issues. He feels he is now more sensitive and that grief will be a lifelong journey for him, as will coping with depression:

“It is normal to feel there is a yawning chasm between you for a while. Danielle has taught me to talk. … I am a very different person now. I am not yet fully positive as to date I have lost more than I have gained. I can see that continual changes will bring me to a better place, a different direction. I am a work in progress. I am still way behind Danielle but I am on a different path. I am slower and still negative. I realise this but it’s part of the journey.” (Jake)

With counselling support, Danielle has learned to change her way of communicating:

“In time I realised I had to channel my emotions and to learn how to really listen to him. I didn’t hear things until much later. It took me time to really ‘hear’ him and not just to ‘let rip’!”

In time she has learnt to embrace the changes.

“It’s sad but I can now focus on the positives, can embrace Bennett as part of the family. It’s not all negative. We both cherish him as someone special. I am now more sensitive to losses in society but I can cope with that.”

Danielle has also accepted that they needed to deal with things at a different pace and Jake agrees:

“Accept that your partner will process the grief differently, may need much more time than you do. We are very different people and we went on different paths in our grief.” (Danielle)

“Grief has highlighted how different we are at processing things, how we do things differently. Slowly we are getting better at addressing these differences and not falling into a pit.” (Jake)

She had friends who supported her well. Yoga and meditation helped her immensely and seeing a naturopath was invaluable in relation to stress and diet. Unfortunately her father also died and she needed time to support her family, especially her mum.

She has grown enormously through her grief, both spiritually and as a communicator, and now helps others as a parent supporter and as a yoga teacher.

“I have learnt so much about myself which has been life changing. It’s been good for my growth. I have learned strategies to help myself. It’s a good path, the right path. I am happy to be on it. I have made a positive out of a negative. I have come into my own as a person.”

Jake has also come to important realisations:

“In the past I was ‘laid back’ and could brush things off, get over things. I can’t do that now as I am more sensitive. I have slowly become more aware of my responses …and now I have to handle things very differently … for me the changes have been evolutionary, not revolutionary.”

Their relationship has survived and their fundamental values are strong. Thirteen months after Bennett died they decided on having another child and this has given them a common purpose.

Reference: den Hartog, P.N., Bereaved Parents & SIDS and Kids NSW and Victoria (2014). When Relationships Hurt, Too: The Impact of Grief on Parents’ Relationships after the Sudden Death of their Child. , Malvern, Vic.: SIDS and Kids NSW and Victoria.