This is Jenny and Robert’s Story

Jenny and Robert’s first daughter, Emma, was born earlier than planned so they had responsibilities early on in their marriage. Jenny had severe pre-eclampsia in her next pregnancy which couldn’t be controlled by medication so she became very ill. Lily’s birth was induced and she lived only one hour. They now have another daughter, Luci.

After the birth Jenny’s health issues meant that Robert had to care both for her and Emma. Feeling that this was the best way to support her, he tried to shield Jenny from his pain, thinking she wouldn’t be able to cope with his grief as well as her own. He needed to work, in the process avoiding his grief which he didn’t acknowledge for some time.

Jenny tried to focus on becoming well again but after a few months she, too, returned to work. She wanted to get out of the ‘cycle of thinking’ while at home which was also stifling Robert’s own need to grieve. However, she felt that only Robert could fully understand her grief and that she could not move on without having another child. Her doctor advised her to wait a year for her health to be restored.

Robert was not ready for another child, concerned about the potential impact on Jenny’s health. He had been traumatised when Jenny nearly died during the birth and feared a repetition of this with a subsequent pregnancy. Compounding this he wanted a normal life, ‘to have fun again’ and resented the impact of grief on their relationship. Despite having several sessions with a counsellor, he felt he couldn’t support Jenny or listen to her grief.

“She was miserable for one hundred per cent of the time and I couldn’t fix it. I didn’t have the energy or the resources to be Jenny’s counsellor and I felt like going away by myself.”

The tension between them grew. It angered Jenny that Robert wanted her to move on. The tension between them was impacting on their daughter, so they sought couple counselling. Without it they feel that they would probably have broken up. This gave Robert space to grieve and he realised he had pushed aside his own grief to keep the family going. Jenny gradually understood that she had been oblivious to what he had been going through. His needs had been obscured by her illness and having to care for their daughter. Counselling also helped them to learn new ways of handling conflict.

“He had been scarred by his time with Lily while I had no memory of that at all. I had never heard him talk about that until we had counselling. It was good for me to see him grieve as I thought he had pushed it aside. There is a limit to how much you can do to help yourself. It is valuable to get professional help.” (Jenny)

“Regarding conflict, I would want to talk it out while he would try to smooth it over and avoid it.” (Jenny)

“In time I acknowledged that I had been resentful that the grief had been overtaking the relationship.” (Robert)

New strategies helped, such as texting each other when they were angry instead of confrontation, writing down what they were angry about and giving Robert ‘time out’ (e.g. playing sport, socialising with mates). They accepted that they had different ways of handling stress, Jenny by having time alone and Robert by having outlets. They began to share more and communicate about the ‘tough stuff’. After two years and considerable medical support Robert accepted Jenny’s need for another baby, despite the potential risks.

“If it was for me I wouldn’t have tried for another baby. I had been happy with my family; for me it wasn’t incomplete. However, it became clear to me that only by having another baby would Jenny have resolution of her grief; otherwise we wouldn’t move on in our lives.”

Jenny and Robert felt comfortable about asking family and friends for practical support while, at the same time, learning to accept that some people couldn’t always ‘be there’ for them.

“Accepting that friends won’t be able to support you, won’t be able to cope with your grief, meant that we didn’t lose friends. I too would be at a loss with someone else’s grief.” (Jenny)

They didn’t feel the need to attend support groups, preferring couple counselling which helped them to realise that grief puts a lot of stress on relationships.

“Don’t underestimate the stress on your relationship and its impact on daily life. It is easy to see your partner wound up over little things and not realise it is really part of grief. Today we understand that we totally underestimated the length and breadth of grieving for Lily.” (Jenny)

“With time the grief does change. It won’t disappear but it need not dominate your lives as it did in the beginning. For us, just ‘hanging in’ and time itself, helped. Gradually as grief moved into a new stage, being less dominant, less intense, Jenny wasn’t in that black hole as often. Be patient, especially in the first six months. Life does return to normal, even if a new normal. Be conscious that you and your partner will be at different stages at different times.” (Robert)

Another baby was very healing for Jenny and she feels she approaches motherhood very differently now.

“In the past I was torn between career and motherhood. Now I realise that being with children is where I want to be”.

Their lives have been transformed in many ways, both with their daughters and each other.

“I have so much joy in the kids, and have realised how precious children are. You become conscious of every little stage they go through.” (Robert)

“I’m pretty strong and I am calmer than I have ever been. Luci’s birth marks the end of that period for us. It’s been very healing for us, especially for me. Luci doesn’t replace Lily but she fills the gap of wanting a second child. We now understand each other more and accept our differences. We communicate better than we used to. Time has helped us.” (Jenny)

Reference: den Hartog, P.N., Bereaved Parents & SIDS and Kids NSW and Victoria (2014). When Relationships Hurt, Too: The Impact of Grief on Parents’ Relationships after the Sudden Death of their Child. , Malvern, Vic.: SIDS and Kids NSW and Victoria.