This is Josie’s Story

Josie and Gino, both of Italian background, had two daughters and a son Justin who drowned when he was almost three. They separated five years later, reconciled and had another daughter. However, they separated again and are now divorced.

Initially Josie was overwhelmed and she broke down, totally absorbed in her grief. She had no energy for anyone else, just enough for survival, separating herself from her family, and relying on Gino to keep it afloat.

“Totally absorbed in my own grief I felt that I wouldn’t survive and became suicidal. Totally passive I relied on Gino to carry and support us, but didn’t communicate this to him as I was so absorbed in my own pain. I just accepted what was happening.”

Gino returned to work in his own business, after a week, working long hours. He thought this was the best way to support his family. While he appeared to be resilient, Josie thought he was not grieving, at least not as much as she was, and that he lacked compassion. She believed that he couldn’t show his love for their son as much as she did.

“How could he keep going? How could he function and ignore ‘the elephant in the room’?

I felt too disconnected from him and the anger and resentment at this perceived lack of grieving on his part grew. I didn’t understand that he was grieving differently.”

Josie also felt responsible for Justin’s death but the guilt was too hard to acknowledge.

“I felt very guilty as I was the supervising parent when Justin drowned. I transferred the blame, the guilt, onto my husband as he was not there. He was working to get money for his hobby car. I was angry that his need for this was more important than the family unit. He was not the partner I needed.”

She had expected Gino to remain strong and keep the family going, while at the same time feeling her emotive way of grieving was more profound than his. Reading about the different styles of grieving between men and women didn’t register in her as much as it should have.

“I still resented that he was not there for me … wanting him to mourn with me, grieve with me, cry with me, and share the grief. I wanted the impossible.”

Long hours at work meant that Gino was physically and emotionally exhausted and would fall asleep in marriage counselling sessions. Josie never fully understood this, feeling that he was oblivious to there being issues in their marriage. She over simplified things, regarding his attitude as “we’re eating, we have a roof over our heads … what is the problem?”

Josie went to several support groups and there found the empathy that she needed and didn’t have in her key relationship which continued to deteriorate. Five years later they split up as she had no room for him, as he was then, in her life.

“I was not only separating myself from Gino but also from my grief. I connected him to the pain of losing Justin. By removing myself from Gino, I felt I was also removing myself from the grief.”

Two years later they reconciled briefly and had another daughter, but this didn’t resolve anything. They later divorced.

“I had tried to put it all behind me and reunite the family but I was only kidding myself. I realised I had to separate from Gino completely for the sake of my mental health. I couldn’t cope with the grief as well as the void in my marriage. I felt I was drowning like Justin. There were too many pre-existing problems in the relationship which were magnified by the death. Even if Justin hadn’t died we probably would have split up as these fundamental differences needed to be addressed.”

Gino neither understood nor agreed with this position, feeling that Josie had put her own needs above that of the family unit and didn’t ‘hang in’ long enough. These days Josie does have some regrets:

“I wish I had tried harder to keep the family unit together because no matter where you are or who you are with, you take the grief with you. You can’t run away from it. There is no escaping the work you need to do to come out the other end. As much as you desperately wish you could snap your fingers to remove the pain, grief takes its own time.”

Fundamentally, they could never agree about how they wanted to live. Gino was happy being a family man, focussing on working hard to be the provider; for him it was enough. He didn’t want change. However, Josie’s values and priorities had fundamentally changed and she yearned for a life that was less ‘materialistic and superficial.’

“I wanted to be a role model for my girls, a positive, strong individual, who is a

community-minded citizen, a valued asset, an ethical contributor to society. I not only wanted to be a family-focussed person but wanted to extend beyond myself and focus on the needs of community and beyond. I also wanted to be embraced, supported and encouraged by Gino. This didn’t happen so we parted ways.”

Josie also felt that no-one in her insular, personal networks understood her grief and that many had responded in totally inappropriate ways.

“I distanced myself from these people to protect myself. I separated key relationships by maintaining them on a purely functional level. I migrated towards other bereaved people and learned strategies to live in this world of grief and pain. Mutual support groups became my lifeline.”

She has changed profoundly and learned much from this experience:

“Being understood and in turn understanding others, through the lived experience, becomes a powerful form of healing like no other professional therapy available. It creates an instant bond and connection between those with a similar experience that is authentic, supportive and effective. It provides safety for the giver and normalises feelings.”

“Reaching out to other mothers is particularly important. Through the power of story-telling and shared experience, bereaved mothers can become invaluable role models for each other. The bond is awesome, a relationship of strength - an energy so powerful you cannot express it in words.”

“At the same time we must all still travel our own journeys, finding our unique way forward; there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Be gentle with yourself, your partner and significant others. You will emerge discovering a new you and be ready to forgive yourself for what has happened. Only then will you be able to accept and be loving to yourself, thus enabling you to begin to embrace your future.”

Today Josie‘s vocation is in grief and loss. She has worked in the bereavement sector for over a decade and is passionate about mutual self-help and peer support. This honours her son’s life. His legacy is one of her being there for others, in the same way that they have supported her. This is how the bereaved network grows, strengthening all concerned.

Reference: den Hartog, P.N., Bereaved Parents & SIDS and Kids NSW and Victoria (2014). When Relationships Hurt, Too: The Impact of Grief on Parents’ Relationships after the Sudden Death of their Child. , Malvern, Vic.: SIDS and Kids NSW and Victoria.