This is Leesa’s Story

Leesa’s daughter Memphis died suddenly and unexpectedly at 15 months

Thank you for letting me talk about my experience. I hope that what I write will help another parent to deal with the loss of a young child. When speaking with the coroner they may refer to your child as a case number and not as a person; I found that, by referring to Memphis as her mother and saying her name when they referred to her as a number, by the end of the call they were saying her name and not her case number.

Memphis passed away at home, so when the paramedics and the police arrived I was taken away from her for questioning. This was so intrusive and the feeling was horrible. I was made to feel like it was my fault; I know they were just doing their job but they should have approached it in a better way. We then had to go to the hospital with Memphis and were made to walk through the emergency department with Memphis wrapped up in her blanket. They took us to a room where we placed her in a cot. We then had the social workers and doctors coming in and out of the room asking questions when all her dad and I wanted was to just hold her. The police arrived again for more questioning.

Leaving Memphis in the hospital was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do as leaving meant she wasn’t ever going to be coming home with me again.

When the coroner contacted me to say that they had done the autopsy and Memphis’s body was ready to be released, I hadn’t even made funeral plans for her. The coroner made me feel at ease by telling me that Memphis was safe there with them until I was ready to make the funeral arrangements.

When planning her funeral we had a lot of help. We wanted the funeral to be bright and colourful, just like our baby was. We made everyone wear a bright piece of clothing and, rather than having flowers, we asked people to make a donation to Red Nose Grief and Loss on Memphis’ behalf. I asked the funeral director if I could dress Memphis for the funeral as I needed to hold her and dress her one last time. It was very hard to do, as she wasn’t the same, but she still looked like my ‘li’l ladybug’. We didn’t have a viewing for family or friends, as we wanted everyone to remember the beautiful cheeky little monkey she was, always with a smile on her face and her thumb in her mouth.

Grief is such a journey - I have good days and then I have extremely low days, always up and down with emotion. Some wonder how I can go on and how I can be so strong, but strength has nothing to with it. I know my baby is up there looking down upon me and she wouldn’t want me to be sad. She would want me to talk about her and remember all the amazing things she did. Everyone’s journey is different and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. What helps me is talking about her every day and making sure that her memory is always kept alive.

I was in a new relationship when Memphis passed away and it has been hard on both of us. Steve has such a huge heart and is an amazing person to stick by me and to keep me motivated when all I want to do is fall in a heap. Talking to him about Memphis and how I’m feeling helps, although I don’t like to cry in front of him as I know it upsets him to see me sad. Communication is the key to getting through this as a couple; some days you may not feel like talking, but other days all you want to do is talk.

DON’T ever be afraid to talk about your child, if someone doesn’t like it then they can walk away.

DON’T ever be made to feel like you can’t mention your child’s name because they will always be a part of you.

NEVER blame yourself for what has happened; it wasn’t your fault.

It’s coming up to Memphis’ first year anniversary and her dad and I have decided that we will release balloons for her and write messages on them for her.

The firsts are so hard as it still doesn’t feel real. Take each day as it comes and don’t push yourself to do anything. I find that, with the anger part of grief, using a punching bag helps, as it releases the built up tension inside. So much more that I want to say, but for now this will do.Same, D. &

Bereaved Parents & Red Nose Grief and Loss Services. (2016). Your Child has Died: Some Answers To Your Questions: A Booklet for Bereaved Parents whose Young Child has Died Suddenly and Unexpectedly. Malvern, Vic.: Red Nose Grief and Loss Services.