This is Nathan and Naomi’s Story

Nathan and Naomi had three miscarriages before the stillbirth of Ethan, who was diagnosed with severe abnormalities. Working in the area of disability, Naomi knew Ethan had no chance of any quality of life were he to survive the pregnancy. They now have two daughters and a son.

At the time of the birth Nathan worked six days a week, enjoyed time with his mates and watched a lot of sport on TV. Before the pregnancy they met up with friends at the pub but this stopped when Naomi became pregnant and focussed on her health. Nathan and Naomi had different interests and lived quite separate lives.

Most of Naomi’s friends lived interstate and she found making new friends difficult. Her work in disability was important to her but she found it too difficult to return to work after Ethan’s death.

“I now work in a different area, not disability [since our disabled son was stillborn]. I had little support from management and I couldn’t talk to workmates who were supporting families with a disabled child – it was too confronting and I didn’t volunteer our situation.” (Naomi)

Nathan worked very hard, needing to keep busy and to distract himself from his grief. He felt that everything he suggested to Naomi to help her wasn’t taken up, or didn’t fix her grief, leaving him feeling helpless and frustrated.

Naomi was at home and very much alone, and when Nathan returned at night, she needed to talk and talk. Exhausted by her grief, he would escape by going out with his mates. She felt cut off by him, fearing that their relationship would break up and her dream of a family would never happen.

“We lived very separate lives, had different interests. I felt shut out by him, feeling he didn’t want to spend time with me. A chasm was developing between us and I feared losing him as well.” (Naomi)

Nathan came from a family which didn’t talk about feelings and emotions, so he didn’t want to discuss the loss or listen to her. He has since realised he was afraid of feeling the grief, couldn’t accept her fears that they would never have a family and believed that he was quite okay about never having children. They were poles apart.

Naomi lost much of the confidence she had always had at work and even simple decisions, such as what to cook for dinner or which couch to buy, became too hard. Nathan, unhappy, unsupported and lacking confidence at work, was frustrated by Naomi’s indecisiveness. Tension in the relationship worsened.

This was the first big test of their relationship and it became obvious that both had problems communicating effectively, especially about intense feelings and their expectations about life and marriage. They needed to learn how to listen to each other and find interests in common. Naomi also needed to find others to listen to her grief, so there would be less pressure on their relationship and on Nathan, and to become assertive about her own needs.

“It’s important to tell others of your needs, because if you don’t, how would they possibly know? For example, when Nathan returned to work and I was at home, I should have told them I needed company.” (Naomi)

Counselling and attending a support group helped immensely. She made new friends and was able to express her grief. She read about patterns of grieving and realised that while she and Nathan were grieving in different ways, both approaches were normal. Developing her own interests became important to her.

“Accept differences; people do get through this differently, they do survive. I could do things for myself and then give Nathan information. I couldn’t make him do anything, couldn’t fix it for him, I had to give him time. I had to deal with my own stuff and go somewhere else to have my needs met. This helped put less pressure on our relationship.”

She realised that she wanted Nathan to grieve but also to be the strong one and to fix her grief — quite unrealistic expectations. Gradually Naomi came to understand that Nathan didn’t have the energy or skills to do this, especially as he was grieving too, and that he needed to be with his mates.

“You have to have part of your life that’s normal, where you can talk the mundane stuff – have a grief-free zone.” (Nathan)

Six months after the death Nathan crashed emotionally and his health suffered. So much energy had been taken up with work and bottling up his feelings. He started to attend some support groups and gradually realised that he didn’t have to be the strong one and he should talk about his feelings too.

Naomi, supported by others, became less needy and their relationship less intense. Feeling under less pressure Nathan now had time to deal with his grief. They decided to try for another pregnancy and today they have three subsequent children. Family is of great importance to both of them and they have more interests in common.

Naomi has learned to accept responsibility for her own grief and needs and to communicate better, realising she has been emotionally closed as well. In turn, Nathan feels that he has changed positively and they both have a better appreciation of family and friends. Today they have many more friends and their life is child centred. Nathan no longer meets up with drinking buddies and Naomi keeps in contact with many people she met through the support groups as well. They accept each other’s differences and are more tolerant of each other.

“I have kept maturing since Ethan died and now deal with things more calmly. I find it easier to talk to people about my problems and am more empathic to others and can cope with their emotions. Naomi says that my family find me easier to be with and I am now closer to my brothers … there are now more family functions.” (Nathan)

“We are closer to people with whom we didn’t expect to be and not as close to those we expected more from – unfortunately you find out who your friends are. Old friends aren’t friends anymore and priorities change. My mother didn’t come over from Adelaide to support me and I know now why and that she regrets this. It is still a wedge between us. It’s taken time for me to accept that my sister will never be there for me for the important stuff.” (Naomi)

“We are now very close to Nathan’s mum. It is almost a shared grief. We are so touched she has grieved for us and for Ethan; she really loved him.” (Naomi)

Naomi and Nathan feel they have learned a lot about each other and what is important in life, especially family. They now communicate in more respectful and assertive ways.

“We are now more protective of our relationship and worry less about what others think. We assume less and check in with each other more and do more together. We now accept the ‘new normal’ – this is the way it is and that’s okay.” (Nathan)

Reference: den Hartog, P.N., Bereaved Parents & SIDS and Kids NSW and Victoria (2014). When Relationships Hurt, Too: The Impact of Grief on Parents’ Relationships after the Sudden Death of their Child. , Malvern, Vic.: SIDS and Kids NSW and Victoria.