Everyone Grieves Differently

It is important to remember that everyone - children, parents, grandparents – all grieve differently. Your reaction to your grandchild’s death is likely to be different from that of your partner or the other grandparents.

If you don’t cry, it doesn’t mean you feel no pain. Some people talk, some don’t. Some people are ‘feelers’ and others are ‘doers’. Each person needs to come to terms with how another grieves and accept that this may be, and often is, different. This is especially true for grandparents.

“When a child dies, we have to survive first and then grieve. Sometimes we don’t look after ourselves in the best ways. It’s a shock reaction. Sometimes people think you are doing really well and then 2, 3, 6, or 8 months along they think you are falling apart because you are crying. It’s like, by not crying, you are doing well, except that doing grief work well often means the opposite.”1

Many grandparents, who have partners, lean on each other for support, and this may be sufficient. Occasionally though, this dependence can cause strain as the couple may expect to grieve together in the same way. Remember that men and women often have different ways of coping. Women may want to express their emotions by talking and crying, whereas men may not be as inclined to communicate their sorrow in these ways. Try to be accepting of each other’s differences.

“I was more open about my grief, while my husband believed that he had to be strong for me and our daughter.”1

“My husband never talks about our little granddaughter who died. It’s like he didn’t know what to say or do when she died. He didn’t know how to relate to our daughter either. I can see now that he was lost in his own grief.

“I feel sorry that he missed out on the experience of talking about our little granddaughter more. One day we were driving with our surviving grandson seated in the back seat. Our grandson wanted to go on the ‘road to Heaven’ to see his sister and became hysterical. My husband started crying and cried the whole trip. He didn’t know how to answer our grandson or how to tell him that he couldn’t go to Heaven. He shut down after that. That’s how he handles sad things. I learned to grieve on my own. I don’t even go there, because I would just be disappointed”.1

Your relationship and sexual intimacy

As mature people, you have already established sexual patterns in your relationship. A problem may arise if, in your grief, those past patterns don’t feel right. One of you may need the closeness and intimacy that sex can bring. The other may want to be left completely alone. Both are normal reactions.

The key to meeting each other’s needs is communication. Let your partner know your needs. Do not assume, for example, that his or her need for sex ignores your grandchild’s death.

Touching is one of the best therapies we can offer to one another. Like your bereaved children, you too may need more touching, hugging and loving while you are sad.


Last reviewed: 22/11/24