One of the things we’re passionate about at Red Nose is the progress made towards achieving inclusiveness in reproductive rights and support for all parents.

There are still many layered struggles that come with being a “rainbow family” today. The process for an LGBTQIA+ family to have children of their own is not easy, and often involves loss through one or more pregnancies.

So during Pride Month, we take this time to acknowledge the unique grief for bereaved parents in the LGBTQIA+ community.

The unexpected heartache

Losing a pregnancy is a profound and heart-wrenching experience for any parent. For queer parents using IVF or surrogacy, it can be especially costly and complex to conceive a child at all.

This means their grief and loss can carry additional layers of isolation, because not everyone is sensitive to the financial burden and unique physical and social challenges.

The collective experiences of queer bereaved parents highlight the need for greater understanding and support in this sensitive and often overlooked area.

The road less travelled: Surrogacy and queer parenthood

Although surrogacy offers a path to parenthood for many queer couples, it can be fraught with emotional, financial, and legal hurdles. These challenges are often magnified by societal discomfort and a lack of inclusive healthcare practices.

Queer parents face these obstacles with determination, driven by the dream of building a family. When a pregnancy is lost, the devastation is compounded by the struggles they have already faced.

The unique grief of child loss in the LGBTQ+ community

Queer parents experiencing child loss face several distinct struggles.

Isolation and lack of representation

The narrative of child loss is predominantly heteronormative, often sidelining the experiences of LGBTQ+ parents. This lack of representation can make them feel invisible or invalidated in their grief. It can be challenging to find support groups and resources with queer families, leading to feelings of isolation.

Judgement and insensitivity

Despite advances in acceptance and equality, queer couples still encounter judgment and insensitivity. Hurtful comments questioning their right to parenthood or implying their loss was a consequence of their “unnatural” family structure can compound their grief, making them feel the need to defend their love and their right to mourn.

Financial and emotional toll

The financial burden of surrogacy is significant. Losing a pregnancy after such an investment can feel not only emotionally devastating but also financially crippling.

The pressure of considering whether you afford to try again adds another layer of stress to already heavy hearts.

Legal and custodial complications

In Australia, the legal landscape for surrogacy and parental rights for queer couples is complex and varies by state. Navigating these laws during a time of grief can be overwhelming, as couples deal with additional bureaucratic hurdles and uncertainty about their future attempts to become parents.

Finding a path through the darkness

Despite these challenges, we are here to help queer parents find solace and strength.

Inclusive support groups

Seeking out and creating support networks specifically for LGBTQ+ parents experiencing child loss can provide a sense of community and understanding.

We don’t want anyone to feel alone, and all of our Red Nose support groups and online forums are welcoming and safe spaces. To join us, please contact your local Community Engagement Coordinator for details.

If you’re new here, please join our Heart Strings community, and we’ll put you in touch with our support groups in your area.

Your local LGBTQ+ organisation may also offer support.

Therapy and counselling

Professional counselling, particularly from therapists experienced in LGBTQ+ issues, is invaluable. It allows individuals to process their grief in a safe environment, free from judgment.

Red Nose offers free counselling for all bereaved parents, and our counsellors are inclusive and have experience in many different types of child loss journeys.

Honouring their journey

Finding ways to honour your lost child can be healing. Rituals, memory boxes, and commemorative art help parents acknowledge their loss and keep the memory of their child alive.

You can also visit our Memory Wall online to add your child’s name to our beautiful constellation.

If you’re ever in Brisbane, join us at our memorial garden at the Todd Freemantle Centre, where we remember so many babies and children with plaques on the beautiful murals. You can request a plaque for your precious little one, or sponsor a plaque for another family. Find out more.

Advocacy and awareness

Sharing stories and advocating for greater inclusivity in healthcare and bereavement support is crucial. By raising awareness, the goal is to create a more compassionate and understanding environment for future queer parents facing similar heartbreak.

If you would like to share your story with the world, please contact us.

Moving forward with love and resilience

Although the road of a queer bereaved parent is difficult, there is also resilience, love, and an unyielding hope. Together, our collective journey through loss strengthens our bonds with each other, and deepens our understanding of the myriad ways families can be formed and sustained through love.

As the LGBTQ+ community endures, carrying the memory of lost children, there is a commitment to living authentically and advocating for a world where all families are supported and celebrated.

Red Nose is devoted to the journey of bereaved parents from all backgrounds. Across a multitude of stories and experiences, we are proud to support the similarity that ties us together as parents: love.

Last reviewed: 15/11/24