Navigating Disenfranchised and Ambiguous Grief in Queer and Surrogacy Pregnancy Loss

Red Nose is committed to acknowledging unexpected pregnancy and infant loss and grief, from all contexts and backgrounds.

What is Disenfranchised and Ambiguous Grief?

Disenfranchised grief refers to a type of mourning that isn’t acknowledged or supported by societal norms.

Ambiguous grief involves a loss that lacks closure or clear understanding. Both forms of grief can leave individuals feeling isolated and misunderstood, struggling to find their place in conventional narratives of loss.

The Unique Struggles of Surrogacy Pregnancy Loss

For many, surrogacy is a journey of hope; a path to creating a family when traditional methods aren’t viable. However, when a surrogacy pregnancy ends in loss, the grief can be complex, layered and confusing.

This grief is often disenfranchised, because:

• Lack of Societal Understanding or Acceptance: Many people don’t fully grasp the emotional and financial investments involved in surrogacy. The loss is not just of a child but also of the long journey, the hopes, and the dreams tied to the process. The financial implications can be significant, resulting in overwhelming lifestyle stress and further impacting the relationship and quality of life of the wider family.
• Limited Support Networks: Surrogacy is less common than traditional pregnancy, meaning there are fewer established support networks for those going through this specific type of loss. At Red Nose, we recognise all unexpected pregnancy and infant loss, equally. Despite the number of ways in which families, couples and individuals can experience this heartbreaking change; we are all tied together in our universal grief, irrespective of the cause or background.
• Complicated Relationships: The dynamics between intended parents, the surrogate, and sometimes the donors can add layers of complexity to the grieving process; involving a variety of perspectives and legal implications.

The Unique Struggles of Queer Pregnancy Loss

Queer parents face additional layers of complexity when dealing with pregnancy or infant loss. These challenges can contribute to both disenfranchised and ambiguous grief:

• Social and Legal Hurdles: In Australia, the legal recognition of queer families can vary, adding stress and uncertainty. The lack of legal recognition can sometimes lead to feelings of illegitimacy in their grief.
• Judgement and Insensitivity: Despite progress in acceptance, queer parents may still face judgment or insensitive remarks about their right to parenthood. This can make it difficult to openly mourn and seek support, including receiving occupational and healthcare benefits for parents who have gone through the loss of a traditionally conceived pregnancy or child.
• Isolation: Queer parents may struggle to find others who share their experiences, leading to feelings of isolation. The grief process can be lonelier without a community that fully understands their journey.

Finding a Way Forward

Despite these challenges, there are ways to navigate the complex landscape of grief:

• Building Inclusive Communities: Online forums, social media groups, and local LGBTQIA+ organisations can provide crucial support. These communities offer a space where parents can share their stories and feel validated.
• Seeking Professional Help: Therapists who specialise in grief and LGBTQIA+ experiences can provide invaluable support. Professional guidance can help individuals process their grief in a healthy way.
• Advocating for Change: Raising awareness about the unique grief experienced by queer and surrogacy parents can lead to greater societal understanding and better support systems.
• Creating Personal Rituals: Honouring the lost child through personal rituals or commemorative activities can provide a sense of closure and acknowledgment.

Grief from surrogacy and queer pregnancy or infant loss is deeply personal and uniquely challenging. Recognising and validating these experiences is crucial for providing the support needed to navigate such profound pain. By building inclusive communities, seeking professional help, and advocating for broader understanding, we can help ensure that no one has to face their grief alone.

Last reviewed: 16/9/24