Special Issues

Some people donate a gift to needy children at Christmas; others visit the grave with balloons on Father’s Day. Some write a poem, add special plants to a garden, light a candle at the temple or get together with family members and browse through a photo album. These are all ways of demonstrating that though a child has died, the bond with that child will never disappear.

“Amie is still very much a part of our lives, she would have started school this year, so we planted a tree in the grounds of the school she would have attended.”

– Anonymous

“My wife and I both cried on the day which would have been Rhys’s first birthday. In the New Year we will have to face the first anniversary of his death. There is no laid down procedure for these things; we don’t know what to do.”

– Mike

“I spent the day with my daughter and her husband and many of their friends and family called in, phoned or sent flowers. We had tea together and after lighting Nathan’s christening candle said a special prayer for Nathan. Each anniversary, birthday, Mother’s and Father’s days, Christmas and Easter we remember Nathan in some special way. How could we possibly forget such a special little boy?”

– Dorothy

Creating memories

While some of your memories are from times when your grandchild was alive there are others that you can create in your own time. Compiling photos, planting a garden, creating something out of wood or metal, writing poetry, embroidery. These are just some of the things that grandparents have done.

“I have many very special memories of Nathan and have written a song (words and music) about him, written a poem, created a photo album of special times spent with him. I have two ‘Nathan’ roses in my garden and the photograph of an echidna painting which I did for him, talking to him whilst I was painting it, as well as the memories of the many special moments and games we shared.’

– Dorothy

Another grandchild

There may come a time when your children decide to have another baby. This can be a time of worry, joy, sad memories and hope.

“To see them deprived of their parenthood, and to hear well-meaning friends endeavouring to comfort us by saying there will be other children was very distressing to us. As parents ourselves, we knew that any subsequent child is an addition to the family, not a substitute for the one taken by death.”

– Dorothy and Jim

“Right then I knew that this was a decision that they, the parents, would make and my role would be to support and encourage their decision, whatever that may be.”

– Barbara

“I have found it very hard not to become over protective with my other grandchildren, not to spoil them. Every minute I spend with the children is even MORE special to me now.” – Dorothy “Now, five years down the track, little Kaitlin three years old and Anthony one year – a happy family. I guess the time worn phrase ‘time heals’ is minutely true but the memory lingers and so it should. Daniel has not been replaced, he just has a sister and brother.”

– Unna

This article was prepared using extracts from Grandparent to Grandparent¹. The full text is available online or contact Red Nose Grief and Loss Services on 1300 308 307 for a printed version.

Last reviewed: 4/12/24