In loving memory of Thomas
I fell pregnant with Thomas after one try learning of my pregnancy two days before I was to start a new job. It was a surprise and massive shock. I always told him he had inconvenient timing. I was so excited.
My pregnancy was pretty normal and straightforward. No complications or issues. Thomas grew and moved like he should. I had a lot of water so everyone kept telling me he was going to be a big baby
On Wednesday 22/09/21 I went to my GP appointment and saw him moving and heard his heartbeat. Everything looked good. The next day, I got nauseous and threw up at work which scared me a little but wanted to see how it went overnight. Thomas was still kicking and moving so I left it and thought I’d check Friday to see how I went. I threw up again which made me text my GP to see if it was a problem. He said no but if I felt worried to go to the hospital. I kept checking to see how I was and his movements. I thought I felt him moving.
I realise now it was just him floating around in the water.
On the way home, I sat in the car pressing my belly to feel him like I usually did. I felt his knee sticking out so I pressed it and it flopped back. I kept trying to get him to kick by pressing his leg. Still nothing. We got home and I sat scared. We packed my daughter’s things and sent her home with my parents and I went straight to the hospital with my husband, Kyle.
We waited for 10 or so minutes to be seen. I kept feeling my belly. I was willing him to move and telling myself it was nothing. The midwife took us into the clinic to be monitored. She couldn’t find his heartbeat so she called the specialist OB into the room and used the ultrasound machine to check. She kept looking and nothing.
I knew where to look and I saw nothing.
Then the dreaded words entered the room “there is no heartbeat. This baby died within the last 24 hours”.
I felt numb and cried. Everything was fine just 2 days ago.
I got induced later that night and met my beautiful boy on Saturday 25/09/21 at 36+4 weeks gestation. We were mere weeks away from meeting him and bringing him home.
I asked myself what were we to do?
How could we go on?
We had friends and family come visit him and spent four beautiful days with our boy. The following Friday we had his send-off.
I have never felt more broken and defeated. I miss my boy every day. I am Christian so I’ve been leaning into my faith for comfort and finding a way forward. I talk to Thomas often. I write letters to him in a journal. I bought a cremation bear and have his ashes in the bear and take it with me everywhere I go. We refer to it as Thomas Bear.
It’s essential for Kyle and me to hear Thomas’s name. We want not just the opportunity to speak about our beautiful boy but to also help educate others on cord accidents.
He’s our boy. We love him and want everyone to know that he existed.
I miss him—my beautiful boy.
Family and friends have been supportive. Some bought gifts to mark milestones or simply remember to message each time we hit a milestone. They ask me about him and are so supportive in general. Their support doesn’t take our pain away, but it helps. It is so beautiful to see when they hug and hold our Thomas Bear. It’s really special to our family.
Last reviewed: 2/12/24