Looking to the Future

When reflecting on parental grief, we know that the bond you formed with your child extends beyond death. Surviving will be a constant struggle, trying to adapt to a new reality that is forced upon you and, at the same time, trying to make your child who died a part of your lives forever.

“Be patient! Grief is a long and painful process, perhaps endless, but the way you deal with it and the way it affects your life and relationships, changes with time.”

“You will be able to be social again, feel joy again. Give yourself time. It could take years or months, it is hard to know, but accept that you will laugh and find meaning in life once more.”

“I don’t believe that time heals, but with the passage of time, we have found ways to adjust to our new reality. I’ll never, ever forget my daughter. Her memory is part of me.”

“We have understood the preciousness of life, of any relationship. This puts everything else into perspective. Other things which used to be important are now not.”

Probably the most important step for parents in their grief journey is to allow themselves to heal. Healing does not mean forgetting. Parents need to be good to themselves, absolve themselves from guilt and not be afraid to let grief loosen its grip when the time comes.

“We are different parents now, more relaxed and calmer and don’t stress over such minor issues such as a messy room or a spilled drink.”

“It seems like I am growing and learning a lot, and I guess I am. Certainly we have been given much by friends and strangers. I would give it all back and un-learn the lessons in a second to have Iris back again.”

Parental grief is a grief which is accommodated, not ended; lived with rather than gotten over. It is clear that, in some form, grief is always carried. However, this does not mean that parents do not function or create fulfilling lives for themselves.

“We have come through one of the biggest tests of any relationship. We have survived the most treacherous terrain and it was damned hard. It has brought us closer together.”

“After a year I began to put makeup on and do my hair, which was so unusual, he thought I was having an affair.”

For many parents, learning to be more forgiving of themselves and others, being less controlling, valuing their other children more, becoming less materialistic and more spiritual, this has all helped the recovery process and led them to strengthening their relationships. Determined to focus on their strengths, not on what they have lost, some parents commit to living a life their child would have been proud of and, in the process, become stronger and closer as a family.

“Keep on living – until you feel alive once more”

This article was prepared using extracts from Always Your Child1 and Your Child has Died: Some Answers To Your Questions.2 The full texts are available online or contact Red Nose Grief and Loss Services on 1300 308 307 for a printed version.


Last reviewed: 23/11/24